the most pathetic post

I'm still waiting for my exam result to come out. I don't know why but suddenly I got kind of anxious waiting for my result this semester. Of course I've felt anxious while waiting for my result during my first semester of my degree in UiTM, but this time it's just different. Last time, it was like I know I'm gonna be dismissed but I kept denying the notion until it all become so clear. But now, I'm 90% sure that I'll be back studying for my next semester in UM, it's just that I'm afraid if I did do as good as I suppose to. As a person that should've learnt most of the things they teach for the first semester, I kinda have this feeling that people will look down on me if I didn't have a good grade. And I have strong feeling that I'll get the average grade for this first semester, not good grade. And I feel bad about it. It's not just today that all of these occur to me. But tonight, it seems to hit me harder. Why shouldn't I feel that way? I have the chance to further my studies but still I didn't make the most of it. I blame the system for delaying my credit transfer process, I blame my surrounding for making me lazy and I'm blaming my friends for making me feel bad. But I'm blaming everyone to escape the guilt I have inside of me. Of course it's not anybody's fault (but for sure it's UM fault for giving me false information while I'm applying for the UPU form. There's no excuse for that!!) that I have to study for 4 years to have my degree while watching my friends of the same age of mine one by one walking out of the campus life. I know that it's boring to be working, to have a career, that studying gives us opportunities to do a lot of things we can't do if we're stuck with our adult responsibilities, but boring isn't the case here. For sure we'll have to take that path, but now I'm delayed for 4 years to reach that path. I don't have to point out what people could achieve in those 4 years. And I'm not talking about money here, if that's what you're thinking about. Yes, money is a part of it, but the 'life' is what I'm more concerned about, the responsibilities I should have do to myself besides craving for money from my parents. I don't know how to explain this anymore but I have 3½ years to go. Maybe I've spoilt my first semester, but I'll try to do my best the year after. I should've been like syikin. She faces quite the same ordeal as me to pursue into the degree level, but she did what she had to do. Although I know she could do better, but I think she did great. Congrats to her.

Wow, how pathetic I am!!